DAY 68: FRIDAY

WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNTIL THEY AGREE

“Let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay:” Matthew 5:37 (KJV)

MY PRAYER FOR YOU

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today I pray for the woman who feels compelled to keep explaining herself until she is understood. You know how uncomfortable it can feel when someone misunderstands her intentions, disagrees with her decision, or sees a situation differently than she does. You know how quickly one explanation can become another and another because she hopes that if she can just find the right words, the other person will finally understand.

Teach her to communicate clearly and honestly without believing she must control what another person thinks afterward. Give her humility to clarify when she has communicated poorly and patience to listen when someone genuinely doesn’t understand. But show her when she has already said what needs to be said and continuing to explain is no longer creating understanding.

Help her become secure enough in You to let her yes be yes and her no be no. Teach her that being misunderstood doesn’t automatically mean she needs to defend herself. Give her wisdom to know when another conversation is needed and when it is time to release the outcome to You.

Teach her children to communicate honestly too. Help them learn that they can explain themselves without arguing endlessly, listen without immediately defending themselves, and accept that sometimes people will see things differently.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

DEVOTIONAL

Yesterday, we talked about people pleasing and the pressure to keep everyone happy. There is another behavior that often grows from that same place: overexplaining.

You make a decision and someone questions it, so you explain. They still don’t seem satisfied, so you explain more. They disagree with part of your explanation, so you add context. Before long, you have given a detailed history of everything that led to a decision that may have required only a simple answer.

Sometimes explanation is necessary. Healthy communication requires context. People deserve clarification when something affects them, and sometimes misunderstandings happen because we simply didn’t communicate well.

But sometimes you aren’t explaining because more information is needed. You’re explaining because you’re uncomfortable that they still don’t agree.

“Let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay:” Matthew 5:37 (KJV)

There is security in learning to say what is true without needing to keep adding words until everyone accepts it.

Overexplaining can come from several places. Maybe you’re afraid someone will think badly of you. Maybe you want them to understand that you weren’t trying to hurt them. Maybe you’re afraid your boundary will seem selfish. Maybe you feel responsible for convincing them that your decision is reasonable.

Underneath all those words may be one quiet belief: If they understood me completely, they wouldn’t be upset with me.

But that isn’t always true.

Someone can understand your reasoning and still disagree. Someone can know exactly why you set a boundary and still dislike it. Someone can understand your intentions and still feel hurt. Someone can hear everything you have to say and interpret the situation differently.

More words can’t guarantee agreement.

This is where communication and control can begin to blur.

Healthy communication says, “I want to help you understand me.”

Control says, “I need to keep explaining until you see this the way I do.”

The difference may be subtle, but it matters.

You aren’t responsible for controlling another person’s interpretation of you. You are responsible for communicating as truthfully, clearly, and respectfully as you can.

That also means you need to listen.

Sometimes we call something a misunderstanding when the other person actually understands us and simply disagrees. Sometimes we repeat ourselves because we aren’t willing to hear their perspective either.

Security works both ways. You don’t have to convince them, and they don’t have to convince you.

You can listen and say, “I understand what you’re saying.” You can consider whether there is truth in their perspective. You can change your mind if God shows you that you were wrong. You can apologize if your words or actions caused harm.

But listening doesn’t require surrendering every decision.

There are also times when explaining becomes part of a survival response. If you have experienced situations where being misunderstood led to conflict, punishment, rejection, accusation, or instability, you may have learned to provide enormous amounts of information in an attempt to protect yourself.

If I explain everything, maybe they won’t be angry.

If I give enough context, maybe they won’t assume the worst.

If I can prove why I did this, maybe I’ll be safe.

That response makes sense in light of what you experienced, but it doesn’t have to control every conversation now.

Before sending the second, third, or fourth explanation, pause. Ask yourself: Have I communicated what is necessary, or am I trying to manage this person’s reaction to what I communicated?

Sometimes another explanation really is needed. Sometimes the answer is no.

And when the answer is no, you can stop.

You don’t have to win the case for your own goodness.

This becomes especially important in difficult relationships. There may be people who continually question, challenge, reinterpret, or argue with what you say. You can spend enormous amounts of emotional energy trying to create understanding with someone who may not be interested in understanding.

You still need to communicate appropriately when communication is required. You still need to provide necessary information and answer reasonable questions. But you don’t have to participate indefinitely in circular conversations simply because the other person wants to keep them going.

Sometimes peace sounds like, “I’ve explained my decision. I understand that you disagree.”

Then you stop.

That can feel uncomfortable at first. Your body may tell you to send one more message. Your mind may begin writing paragraphs while you’re washing dishes. You may imagine all the things they could say about you if you don’t defend yourself.

Let the discomfort be there without immediately obeying it.

Being misunderstood is uncomfortable.

It isn’t always an emergency.

Jesus Himself was misunderstood, falsely accused, and misrepresented. He answered some questions and remained silent before others. He didn’t spend His life chasing every person who misunderstood Him to make sure they changed their opinion.

You don’t need to either.

This matters with your children too. Children need room to explain themselves, but they also need to learn that explaining isn’t the same as arguing until a parent changes an answer. You can listen to their perspective and still hold the boundary. Likewise, let them see that you’re willing to listen when they tell you that you misunderstood them.

Healthy communication isn’t one person explaining until the other person gives in. It is two people being willing to speak honestly, listen carefully, and accept that agreement won’t always happen.

You can be misunderstood and remain secure.

You can be disagreed with and remain kind.

You can clarify without defending your entire character.

You can say enough and then stop.

Clarity is your responsibility. Agreement is not. Say what is true with gentleness. Answer reasonable questions. Correct what you communicated poorly. But when explanation turns into pleading for permission to have your own boundary, conviction, or perspective, stop. You can remain loving without arguing until someone validates you.

TAKE A MOMENT

Think about the last time you sent a long explanation to someone. Was all of the information necessary, or were you hoping enough words would change how they felt about you?

Ask yourself: What am I afraid they will believe about me if I stop explaining?

JOURNAL WITH GOD

When someone misunderstands me, what do I immediately feel compelled to do?

Do I sometimes confuse being understood with being agreed with?

What am I afraid will happen if someone forms an opinion of me that I can’t change?

How can I tell when clarification is helpful and when I’m beginning to overexplain?

Are there relationships where I repeatedly explain the same boundary or decision?

Do I listen to understand another person, or am I sometimes waiting for another opportunity to explain myself?

What would clear, calm communication look like for me?

What do I need to trust God with when someone still doesn’t understand me?

YOUR TIME WITH GOD

Today, pay attention to the urge to explain. You don’t need to become abrupt or stop communicating. Simply notice when communication shifts into trying to control another person’s understanding of you.

Before adding another paragraph, sending another message, or repeating the same point differently, ask yourself: Have I already communicated what this person reasonably needs to know?

If the answer is no, clarify. If you were unclear, try again. If you misunderstood them, listen. If you were wrong, own it.

But if you have already communicated honestly and clearly, consider allowing the conversation to be finished even if the other person remains dissatisfied.

Then bring the discomfort to God instead of back into the conversation. Tell Him what you wish the other person understood. Tell Him what you’re afraid they might think about you. Ask Him whether there is anything else that genuinely belongs to you.

If there is, do it. If there isn’t, release it.

You don’t have to use enough words to make yourself safe. You don’t have to convince everyone that your intentions are good. You don’t have to explain yourself until another person agrees.

Speak truthfully. Listen humbly. Clarify when necessary. Then let your yes be yes, your no be no, and let God hold what another person chooses to believe about you.