DAY 61: FRIDAY

WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO MATCH THEIR ENERGY

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 (KJV)

MY PRAYER FOR YOU

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today I pray for the woman who is learning that another person’s behavior doesn’t have to determine her own. You know how difficult it can be to remain steady when someone is angry, disrespectful, defensive, dismissive, or determined to pull her into conflict.

Help her remember that calm isn’t weakness and gentleness isn’t surrender. Give her wisdom to know when to speak, when to remain quiet, when to set a boundary, and when to step away. Keep her from believing that she has to become louder to be heard, harsher to be taken seriously, or more aggressive to protect herself.

When another person’s behavior activates something inside her, help her pause long enough to remember who she is in You. Let her security come from Christ instead of from gaining control of the interaction. Help her become a safe and steady person without believing that being safe requires her to tolerate unsafe behavior.

Teach her children the same thing. Let them learn that they can be strong without becoming cruel, confident without becoming combative, and honest without using their words as weapons.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

DEVOTIONAL

Someone raises their voice, and yours starts getting louder too. Someone becomes defensive, and suddenly you’re defending yourself. Someone sends a disrespectful message, and you immediately start writing one back with the same energy.

It can happen quickly.

Before you realize it, you’re no longer deciding how you want to respond. You’re reacting to how they behaved.

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” Proverbs 15:1 (KJV)

A soft answer doesn’t mean a weak answer.

That distinction matters.

Sometimes we hear words like gentle, peaceful, or soft and imagine someone who lets people walk all over her. But biblical gentleness isn’t the absence of strength. It is strength under control.

You can be calm and still say no. You can speak gently and still tell the truth. You can refuse to argue and still hold your position. You can end a conversation that has become disrespectful without becoming disrespectful yourself.

That is strength.

And it becomes especially important when another person doesn’t feel safe to you.

Yesterday, we talked about how exhausting it can be to try to stay one step ahead of someone else’s behavior. But there is another kind of security that doesn’t require you to predict them.

You can know who you are before the interaction begins.

You can decide that someone else’s anger doesn’t require your anger, someone else’s disrespect doesn’t decide the kind of woman you’ll become in response, and someone else’s misunderstanding doesn’t require endless explanation. Someone else can behave poorly without receiving control of your character.

That doesn’t mean their behavior is acceptable.

You don’t have to call something safe when it isn’t. You don’t have to trust someone who hasn’t demonstrated trustworthiness. You don’t have to remain in a conversation where someone is threatening, abusive, or escalating. You don’t have to abandon boundaries in order to prove that you’re peaceful.

Being a safe person doesn’t mean allowing unsafe access.

It means that as much as it depends upon you, your behavior remains anchored in Christ.

That may look like saying, “I’m willing to talk about this, but I’m not going to continue while we’re speaking to each other this way.”

It may look like waiting before answering a message.

It may look like refusing to defend yourself against every accusation.

It may look like giving a simple answer instead of another paragraph.

It may look like leaving.

It may also look like speaking firmly when something genuinely needs to be addressed.

Jesus was gentle, but He wasn’t passive. He confronted hypocrisy. He spoke truth. He established boundaries. He withdrew from people and situations at times. He didn’t allow every demand placed upon Him to determine what He did next.

His peace wasn’t dependent upon everyone around Him behaving peacefully.

Neither does yours have to be.

This is where confidence in Christ begins changing the way you enter difficult interactions.

Instead of walking in thinking, I hope they don’t upset me, you begin thinking, God is with me. I can handle what actually happens.

Instead of, I need them to understand me, you remember, I can communicate clearly without controlling whether they understand.

Instead of, I need this conversation to go well so I can be okay, you remember, My security doesn’t depend upon the outcome of this conversation.

That doesn’t guarantee your body won’t react. You may still notice your heart racing or your muscles tightening. You may still feel afraid, angry, frustrated, or defensive.

But those feelings don’t have to make the next decision.

Pause.

What is actually happening?

What belongs to me?

What response reflects Christ?

Those questions bring you back to yourself and to God instead of allowing another person’s behavior to take over the interaction.

There is another reason this matters.

When we continually match someone else’s energy, we can become someone we don’t like around certain people.

Maybe you’re normally patient, but with one person you become immediately defensive. Maybe you’re normally thoughtful with your words, but one relationship can pull sarcasm, anger, or harshness out of you almost instantly.

It is easy to say, “They bring out the worst in me.”

But another person can reveal what still needs healing without having the authority to decide who you become.

That is an important difference.

Their behavior may expose a wound. Their tone may activate fear. Their accusation may trigger defensiveness. Their disrespect may make you angry.

Pay attention to that.

But then bring your response back under your own responsibility and under Christ.

“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:” James 1:19 (KJV)

Slow to speak.

There is wisdom in that space.

You don’t have to answer immediately just because someone demands an answer. You don’t have to send the first version of the message you wrote while angry. You don’t have to prove strength by winning the argument.

Sometimes strength looks like refusing to be pulled into one.

Your children are watching how this works too. They will encounter people who annoy them, insult them, exclude them, misunderstand them, or treat them unfairly. Their siblings will sometimes know exactly which button to push.

Teach them that another person’s behavior doesn’t give them permission to abandon their own character.

“He started it” may explain what happened first. It doesn’t automatically justify what happened next.

We can acknowledge what someone else did while still taking responsibility for our response.

That is what you’re learning too.

You can’t always control the atmosphere someone brings into the room, but you don’t have to let them decide what you contribute to it.

Responsive strength means you do not have to borrow another person's intensity. Their anger does not require your anger. Their urgency does not require your urgency. Their accusation does not require panic. You can remain gentle and firm at the same time. You can hold conviction without becoming reactive, and you can refuse mistreatment without becoming cruel.

TAKE A MOMENT

Think about the person or situation most likely to pull you out of your peace. What happens inside you when you interact with them? Do you become defensive, angry, afraid, overly explanatory, sarcastic, quiet, or desperate to regain control?

Now ask yourself: Who do I want to be in that situation, regardless of who they choose to be?

JOURNAL WITH GOD

Whose behavior is most likely to change the way I behave?

What happens in my body when I interact with someone who doesn’t feel safe or predictable?

Do I tend to match another person’s anger, defensiveness, or disrespect?

What does being a safe person mean without allowing unsafe access?

Is there a boundary I need to hold more calmly instead of repeatedly defending it?

What would confidence in Christ look like during my most difficult interactions?

What response do I want my children to learn when someone treats them unfairly?

Is there a relationship that reveals an area in me that still needs healing?

YOUR TIME WITH GOD

Today, think about an interaction that commonly activates you. Instead of rehearsing what the other person might do, prepare your own heart.

Ask God to help you decide who you want to be before the moment arrives. Maybe you need to be calm and brief. Maybe you need to listen without immediately defending yourself. Maybe you need to speak firmly. Maybe you need to hold a boundary without explaining it five different ways. Maybe you need to recognize when a conversation is no longer productive and step away.

Then give the other person’s behavior back to God.

You are responsible for your words, your tone, your boundaries, your honesty, and your choices. You aren’t responsible for controlling another person’s reaction to them.

If you feel yourself becoming activated, remember what we’ve been practicing. Notice it. Pause. Look at what is actually happening. Ask God for wisdom before deciding what happens next.

You don’t have to become unsafe because someone else feels unsafe to you. You don’t have to become chaotic because someone else brings chaos. You don’t have to become cruel because someone else is cruel.

You can remain secure in Christ, grounded in truth, wise about boundaries, and responsible for your own character.

Their behavior belongs to them.

Your response belongs to you.

And you can place both in God’s hands.