DAY 39: THURSDAY
WHEN FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN GOING BACK
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” Colossians 3:13 (KJV)
MY PRAYER FOR YOU
Dear Heavenly Father,
Today I pray for the woman who wants to forgive but is still learning what forgiveness requires of her. You know the people who have hurt her, the relationships that changed, the apologies she received, the apologies that never came, and the places where she has wondered whether forgiving someone means allowing everything to return to the way it was before.
Give her a heart willing to release bitterness without asking her to abandon wisdom. Show her where anger has become something she continues to carry, and help her surrender the desire to punish, retaliate, or make another person pay.
But Father, do not let her confuse forgiveness with pretending. Give her wisdom to recognize genuine repentance, changed behavior, and trustworthy fruit. Teach her that she can forgive someone while allowing trust to be rebuilt slowly. Help her understand that reconciliation requires more than one willing person and that forgiveness does not always require restored closeness.
Teach her children this too. Let them grow into people who forgive freely without becoming easy to manipulate. Teach them to love without hatred, speak truth without revenge, and recognize that grace and wisdom belong together.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
DEVOTIONAL
Yesterday, we talked about receiving forgiveness for our own failures. Today, we need to turn that truth around.
What happens when you are the one who was hurt?
Christians know we are supposed to forgive.
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” Colossians 3:13 (KJV)
The command is clear.
But what forgiveness actually looks like in a complicated relationship can feel much less clear.
Does forgiving mean trusting again?
Does it mean restoring the relationship?
Does it mean letting someone back into your life?
Does it mean you should stop talking about what happened?
Does it mean there should no longer be consequences?
Does it mean acting as though nothing happened?
No.
Forgiveness is not pretending the wound did not exist.
You cannot honestly forgive something you refuse to acknowledge happened.
Forgiveness begins with truth.
This hurt me.
That was wrong.
Something was lost here.
I cannot change what happened.
And I am choosing not to spend the rest of my life demanding payment from the person who hurt me.
That last part matters.
Unforgiveness can keep us emotionally connected to people we desperately want to be free from.
We replay the offense.
We imagine conversations.
We think about what they deserve.
We wait for them to finally understand what they did.
In a strange way, they continue occupying space in our lives even if they are no longer physically present.
Forgiveness begins releasing that debt to God.
That does not mean the person suddenly becomes trustworthy.
Trust and forgiveness are not the same thing.
Forgiveness can be given.
Trust is built.
If someone lies to you repeatedly, you may forgive them and still require honesty over time before trusting their words again. If someone repeatedly violates a boundary, you may forgive them and still maintain the boundary. If someone has harmed you or your children, forgiveness does not require giving them an opportunity to repeat the harm.
Forgiveness changes what you carry in your heart.
It does not erase wisdom.
Reconciliation is different too.
Scripture tells us:
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18 (KJV)
Notice the words, “if it be possible.”
And, “as much as lieth in you.”
There are parts of peace that belong to you.
There are parts that do not.
You can choose forgiveness.
You can refuse revenge.
You can speak truthfully.
You can apologize for your part.
You can become willing to repair what can be repaired.
But you cannot repent for another person.
You cannot make someone acknowledge what happened.
You cannot force someone to respect a boundary.
You cannot rebuild trust by yourself.
You cannot create reconciliation with someone who remains committed to the behavior that destroyed the relationship.
Sometimes forgiveness and reconciliation happen together.
Someone hurts you.
They recognize it.
They repent.
You forgive.
Trust begins rebuilding.
The relationship heals.
That is beautiful.
Sometimes forgiveness happens without reconciliation.
You release bitterness.
You stop seeking revenge.
You pray for the person.
You genuinely desire their repentance and good.
And you still do not go back.
That can be faithful too.
This distinction matters because women sometimes remain trapped in unhealthy relationships because they have been taught that forgiveness requires immediate restoration.
Someone apologizes, so the boundary disappears.
Someone says they have changed, so trust must immediately return.
Someone tells you that if you were really following Christ, you would give them another chance.
But an apology and repentance are not necessarily the same thing.
An apology uses words.
Repentance produces change.
That does not mean people must become perfect before we trust them. None of us would qualify.
It means wisdom pays attention to patterns.
Jesus said:
“Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.” Matthew 7:20 (KJV)
Fruit takes time to observe.
You do not have to rush.
You can forgive someone today and allow tomorrow's trust to be determined by tomorrow's fruit.
That is not bitterness.
That is discernment.
There is another side of forgiveness we need to acknowledge too.
Sometimes we are waiting for an apology before we believe we can begin healing.
We tell ourselves, If they would just admit what they did, then I could move forward.
An apology can matter deeply.
Accountability matters.
Truth matters.
Reconciliation may require honest acknowledgment of what happened.
But your freedom cannot depend entirely upon whether another person ever becomes willing to tell the truth.
Some apologies never come.
Some people apologize without understanding.
Some people remember events differently.
Some people refuse responsibility.
Some people may never become safe enough for reconciliation.
If your healing requires their cooperation, they still hold enormous power over your future.
Forgiveness begins returning that power to God.
You are not saying what happened was acceptable.
You are saying it will not become the thing that determines who you become.
This is an important lesson for your children.
Children often hear, “Say you're sorry,” followed immediately by, “Okay, forgive them.”
There is value in teaching children to apologize and forgive, but we need to teach them more than the words.
Teach them what repentance looks like.
If you broke something, help repair it.
If you lied, tell the truth.
If you hurt someone, listen to how your actions affected them.
If you repeatedly do the same thing and repeatedly apologize without trying to change, the words begin losing meaning.
Teach the child who was hurt that forgiveness does not mean the hurt did not matter.
They are allowed to say what happened.
They are allowed to be sad.
They are allowed to need time.
They are allowed to tell an adult when something keeps happening.
They are allowed to establish appropriate boundaries.
And they can still forgive.
We also need to be careful about forcing immediate reconciliation between children simply because an apology was spoken.
Sometimes a child needs a little space.
Sometimes trust needs rebuilding even in childhood.
Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can teach is, “You need to respect that they are not ready to play with you again yet.”
That teaches both children something.
One learns that forgiveness does not mean surrendering every boundary.
The other learns that an apology does not automatically remove every consequence.
These lessons will matter when they are adults.
They will need to know that love is not the same thing as unlimited access.
They will need to recognize the difference between someone who says the right words and someone whose behavior is actually changing.
They will need to know that they can forgive without becoming bitter and still make wise decisions about who is allowed close to them.
And they will learn much of this by watching you.
Your children notice how you talk about people who hurt you.
They notice whether bitterness follows you into every conversation.
They notice whether you retaliate.
They notice whether you gossip.
They notice whether you repeatedly return to relationships that continue causing harm.
They notice whether your boundaries disappear the moment someone becomes upset.
Show them another way.
You can tell the truth without building your identity around the injury.
You can establish a boundary without hatred.
You can pray for someone without returning to an unhealthy relationship.
You can forgive without pretending trust exists where it does not.
You can hope someone changes without making your peace dependent upon whether they ever do.
You can release someone to God and keep walking.
Sometimes forgiveness opens the door to reconciliation.
Sometimes forgiveness is what allows you to peacefully close a door you no longer need to keep standing beside.
Both require surrender.
A woman can forgive and still require fruit before trust.
Reconciliation involves more than your willingness to release bitterness.
It requires truth, repentance, safety, and changed patterns where harm has occurred. You are not hardhearted because you pay attention to fruit.
TAKE A MOMENT
Think about someone you are struggling to forgive.
Do not begin by asking whether you should trust them again.
Ask a different question:
What am I still carrying because of what happened?
Is it anger?
The need for an apology?
The desire for them to finally understand?
The wish that they would experience what they caused you to experience?
Forgiveness begins with what you are carrying, not with how much access they should have to your life.
JOURNAL WITH GOD
Is there someone I have confused forgiving with trusting again?
What am I afraid will happen if I forgive this person?
Am I waiting for an apology, acknowledgment, or changed behavior before allowing myself to begin releasing bitterness?
Is there a relationship where I have repeatedly restored trust based upon words without waiting to see consistent fruit?
Is there someone I have forgiven but still need wisdom about how much access they should have to my life?
When I apologize, do I focus primarily on being forgiven, or am I willing to understand how my actions affected the other person and change my behavior?
What are my children learning from the way forgiveness, apologies, consequences, and reconciliation are handled in our home?
Am I teaching my children that they can forgive someone and still tell me if that person's behavior continues?
What would it look like to release someone to God without pretending what happened did not matter?
YOUR TIME WITH GOD
Today, bring God the name of someone who hurt you.
You do not need to minimize what happened. Tell God the truth about it. Tell Him what was lost, what still hurts, what you wish the person understood, and what you wish had been different.
Then ask God to show you what you are still carrying.
Maybe it is anger.
Maybe it is bitterness.
Maybe it is the need to be vindicated.
Maybe it is the hope that one day the person will finally understand how badly they hurt you.
Ask God to help you release what belongs to Him.
If forgiveness feels difficult, begin there. You do not need to manufacture warm feelings toward someone who hurt you. Forgiveness is not pretending you feel something you do not.
Ask God to make your heart willing.
Then separate forgiveness from the other questions.
Does trust need to be rebuilt?
Is reconciliation possible?
Is there genuine repentance?
Is there consistent fruit?
Is a boundary still necessary?
Those questions can be answered with wisdom over time.
You do not have to answer all of them today.
Teach your children this distinction too.
When conflict happens, do not rush through “I'm sorry” and “I forgive you” simply to make the uncomfortable moment disappear.
Help them understand what happened, take responsibility, repair what they can, and respect the other person's boundaries afterward.
You are teaching them how grace and truth live together.
Forgiveness releases revenge.
Wisdom remembers what it has learned.
Reconciliation requires participation from both sides.
Trust grows through consistent character.
And love does not require you to abandon discernment.
You can forgive.
You can release.
You can remain wise.
And sometimes you can keep walking without going back.